Theatre and Football

In what is my penultimate blog post (sniffle, sob) Simon has set me a challenge which should definitely earn me an 'advanced blogging' certificate (if this doesn't exist yet, it should) before I leave next week. I have been instructed to write a blog post about the World Cup. Although this may seem relatively easy considering the fact that the World Cup is happening now and everyone is talking about it, my knowledge of the Beautiful Game is limited (although at least I know that it is called the Beautiful Game, so it's not totally disasterous) and finding a way of fusing theatre and football into one beautiful combination like peanut butter and jam is not a well trodden path I fear.

Typing 'theatre and football' into Google came up with lots about football but very little about its relationship to theatre. Oh Google, you are usually so reliable but you have failed me miserably. However, I did find one little thing: a prediction that West End ticket sales will plummet by 20% during the World Cup. So clearly a fifth of people who go to West End shows are also hardcore footie fans. Who knew?

In order to increase my chances of a successful search I then tried 'plays about football'. This was even less successful than the first attempt, which let's face it wasn't successful at all, thus making this one pretty much catastrophic. This time round I was just given many instructions on how to play football. I don't really want to learn how to play thank you. After an embarrassing few years of team sports at school (turns out I can only manage solitary sporting pursuits like cross country running and swimming) I am loathe to revisit that particular kind of humiliation linked to netball skirts, muddy hockey pitches, brightly coloured airtex shirts and the like.

So on my search went and it bore very little fruit until I found out that...

The Albany theatre in Deptford - which is clearly ahead of the time - in spite of an apparent lack of enthusaism for 'theatreandfootball' across the rest of the country, is trying to bridge the gap between theatre and sport and will be screening many of the matches in the theatre. Plus they have commissioned performance poets Charlie Dark, Scroobius Pop, Kat Francois and Polarbear to present pre-match football stories. Wow.

So there you have it, at last a successful result. Let's hope England fare better in their matches than I have done in my quest...

Thanks to katie@! for the photo

Luscious lists

Although many may dispute the strength of the connection and the relevance of the 'relevant' issues I frequently try to link this blog to (what do you mean Cate B's blanket dress wasn't vital news?), I do my best to make it as 'current' as possible. Yet this week I was feeling somewhat creatively flummoxed and had yet to latch onto a particular news topic which could act as the focus for today's piece. So I decided to do some foraging for inspiration and found myself trawling through the Guardian's web pages. Amongst such delightful gems as 'how do you make reading cool?' (give out free bottles of Bacardi Breezers apparently), a delicious recipe for peach and raspberry cobbler and 'Sarah v. Sam - which political wife is the best dressed?', I discovered a few very useful lists.

Now I don't know about you, but I like lists. They are very satisfying to make and to tick items off is a highly fulfilling activity indeed. Unless of course you make ridiculous lists like 'by next month I want to be able to fly, speak Mandarin and train my pug puppy how to make me breakfast and bring it to me in bed on Sunday mornings'. That would just be silly. Anyway, today the Guardian is offering some excellent lists, including 'what to do with browning bananas', and 'ten tips for writing fiction'. Handy stuff. That is if you have lots of bananas lurking around and you are trying to finally write that novel. You know, the one that was on your list of 'things to do by the time I'm... [insert relevant age]'.

Ah ha I thought! This is precisely what we need, some Hoipolloi/theatre related lists. And so, especially for you, I have created the following...

A list for today -some questions and action points:
1. Do I live in or near Oxford or Liverpool?
2. If no, could I get to either without too much schlepping?
3. If 'yes' to either of those... Am I free tonight/tomorrow/Friday/Saturday?
5. If 'yes', then go to http://www.oxfordplayhouse.com/ or http://www.everymanplayhouse.com/
6. Book tickets for Hugh Hughes in 360.
7. See the show and have a fantastic time.


A list for going to the theatre in general - some top tips
1. Don't arrive too early, or too late. If the former happens you will find yourself loitering around and end up spending too much money on bad wine and overpriced peanuts and will be so bored that you'll read every single flyer in the foyer twenty times thus leaving you feeling highly lethargic/drunk before you even get into the auditorium. If the latter occurs you will have to run up the stairs, and so will get hot and sweaty and feel gross and then need to do the awkward clamber over other audience members in order to get to your seat. Because you were in a hurry you forgot to turn off your phone and so half way through Act 2, during a particularly poignant moment, there will be a loud ringing sound emitting from your handbag. Chances are you won't be able to find it because it has fallen through the hole in the lining. Everyone is looking at you and with satanic stares. But there is nowhere to hide. Nowhere...

2. Most programmes contain only a small amount of information which is actually relevant to the show. To get your value for money take it home and use the excess pages for home made wrapping paper, origami practise, paper aeroplanes, or shred it and use it as bedding for the hamster.

3. In advance of your trip do some pelvic floor muscle exercises in order to increase bladder control. Ideally you will not need to go to the loo at the theatre as there is always an enormous queue. Especially in the West End. If you do need to 'powder your nose' you will spend most of the interval stuck in a line, and then will miss out on getting an ice cream. Which, let's face it, is the best part of going to the theatre.

4. Even if you have seen it eight times, and played the Dane in a 'raw, dynamic, highly physical and utterly ground breaking' production of Hamlet at the Fringe while you were at university and are thus a total expert, the rest of the audience will not appreciate you muttering along to 'To be or not to be'. It's best to keep schtum and just appreciate whatever the next 'hot young thing' is doing. Do feel free to analyse the actor's interpretation later. Brutal criticism in the bar afterwards is de rigeur. Especially after a Shakespeare.

5. Make sure you have got a)the right day and b) the right theatre. It is very easy, especially if you book tickets in bulk online, to get somewhat muddled and turn up at the venue on March 12th instead of May 12th, expecting to see Medea, but you find yourself in row F as the houselights are about to go down for Measure for Measure and then someone says 'erm, I think you're in my seat' and you double check your ticket and realise that you have got very muddled indeed. Now you need to trek all the way home feeling disappointed, embarassed and a bit angry. Never good.

So there you go folks. Please do feel free to get in touch if you have any more ideas for optimising one's theatrical visits...








Thanks to koalazymonkey for the pic